Dreams and Wishes

I used to be a girl full of dreams of were my life would be and places I would go. When I was a child I dreamed of being a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys. I dreamed of being a famous singer, of having the largest private library in the world.

I fell in love all of the time. I loved the new toy. I loved my pets. I loved my friends. I had crushes that changed every few weeks. I dreamed of the fairy tail love and the dream wedding.

I wrote poetry about nature and love.

Now I’m grown (I hope) and my dreams and wishes are much different. I’m unrecognizable to that little girl that I was. All of my dreams surround my children.

I wish that my daughter doesn’t get held back by our financial difficulties. I wish that she will find somebody that really love her and that she won’t make the mistakes I made being in love with love. I hope that not having a dad in her life doesn’t affect her to badly. I hope she is successful and that even when she fails she keeps trying.

I hope that My David is healthy and that he makes friends. I hope that he grows to have independence not just for me, but so that if something happens to me he’ll be able to provide for himself. I wish that he’ll have love because no matter his differences his heart is big and his love is pure.

I hope that Kory will start to like school and value his eduction. I hope that he works hard a become the kind of man a mother can be proud of. I hope that he treats women in the way a real man should. I wish him to not grow to hate his other side of his for not acknowledging him and that they can someday have a relationship.

I wish for me to have a way to provide for my kids in the years to come and that even when they are grown if they need help that I will be able to be there. I wish that someday I will find somebody who can be the dad that they need because even though I try I know it’s not the same. I hope that my dad is looking down on me and is proud of what I’m doing and that he will stay in my heart to guide me. I hope that my mom will stay around a long time and that when she does leave this world it doesn’t break me  because I’m all my kids have.

I hope that everybody that reads this takes away something good from it.


The Princess and the Pea (sort of)

Last night when I laid down for bed my son was in the middle of the bed which left me a small place on either side of him. I wasn’t annoyed this is common place for when a child has climbed into my bed. Most people with experience in restless kids know where ever the fall asleep you leave them or risk waking them which will undoubtedly lead to them not wanting to go back to sleep for a while. At which point they will fall asleep and end up somewhere else you preferred them not to sleep at like with their head at the foot of the bed. So I’m trying to go to sleep in my little allotted space, but am tossing and turning. My side hurt I thought it was just the sheet bunching up, but I try to straiten it out and yet still feel like I’m sleeping with a boulder under my side. I reach under the sheet to discover one of my son’s candies from earlier he must have been saving it for later. Even with it moved I’m pretty sure there must be a bruise or something where I was laying on it. I always knew I must be a princess it took a 3 year old to help me validate that I’m really a princess. The self rescuing, kick butt, can make my own dinner kind of princess but none the less.


“I don’t like to sleep it’s too boring.” my little boy’s new favorite bed time saying. “I don’t want to go to school I’m tired!” his new morning saying.

My little boy was sick, 2 different illnesses 2 weeks of sleeping all day and not having to get up early for school. I knew it would be hard to get him back on schedule, but never expected this total revolt. I thought when he fell asleep at 8 o’clock  that we were back to normal, but that was a big joke on Mama. He woke up 2 hours later rejuvenated and ready to fight any efforts to make him sleep the rest of the night.

I’ve tried all of the tricks in my bag. He had a bath, sleepy time lotion which I hadn’t stooped to for at least a year now. Warm milk, comfy pajamas, a book or 12. I let him cuddle on the couch and watch cartoons even though my shows were on, but sleep was no where in sight. I kept him up during the day just one short nap which he always has. He finally goes to sleep after midnight only to wake up twice, I’m thinking night mares, and he sits up in bed until I convince him that he’s safe then he lays back down.

Meanwhile no sleep for Little Boy means no sleep for Mama! I didn’t even get a nap because I was busy grocery shopping while he was napping!  I’m a well known coffee drinker insomniac, but I haven’t been this sleep deprived since he was an infant. I’m not sure I awake enough for the day long fight, him fighting with My David, Little Pop Star and everybody else that so much as looks at him. He wouldn’t eat dinner last night either because he was to cranky to eat.

When asked if he had a good day at school he replied “No I don’t like school! I watch cartoons?” Back to the battle he has to give in eventually right?!


He is now going to bed when he’s supposed to, then waking up at 2 am crying to watch cartoons, it takes about a half hour to get him back to sleep. I may never have another full nights sleep : (


It’s coming, my baby girl is turning nine in a few days.

My life has changed so much since I was pregnant with her. I was nineteen, newly married and blinded by love. We had just moved into our first place, I spent my days while my husband was working reading, watching t.v. and sitting around. I went to classes at night twice a week, my husband didn’t like it he wanted me home whenever he was home. Not only didn’t I work , but I didn’t even have plans to work. My dad would send me money every month, he bought me a car for a wedding present, he was always doing things like that. I was the princess of my family. I was very happy to be pregnant and more so when I found out I was having a girl. I cried so hard when the ultrasound tech told me she thought I was upset. I had a million plans for what I wanted for my little girl.

When Little Pop Star was born, on Thanksgiving Day, she became my world. My husband was jealous of the time I spent with her and my mom, but I had always gotten my way so I dismissed his feelings. He drove my car drunk my dad said that he would take the car back (it was still in his name and he was still paying for it) so then he couldn’t drive it. He lost his job and after a few weeks my dad said he wouldn’t pay the bills anymore unless my husband got a job or moved out. LPS was 3 months old when he moved out of state to live with his dad.

We talked on the phone all of the time the plan was supposed to be for me to move out of state to where he was but it never happened. Meanwhile my dad was diagnosed with cancer and me my mom and Little Pop Star went to his house for a month. When I thought he was getting better we left. LPS had just turned a year old and we went to my husband’s family’s house for a month. He wanted me to stay, but I didn’t fit in there and he still wasn’t going to be able to move us into our own place so I came back home. A few months later I found out my dad wasn’t going to get better. We went to see him again and I couldn’t look at him without crying, he was such a strong man and he was wasting away.

After he passed away something broke inside me and my mom. She moved in with me and my husband came back to live with us. I got pregnant with My David right away. He kept bouncing from job to job and we were getting evicted. Me and him got in a big argument where I was so upset I was scared that David would be hurt. I was 7 months pregnant and had no where to live, me , my mom and LPS moved in with a friend of mine. My husband wasn’t there when My David was born. I ended the relationship then.

I won’t get into all the David stuff right now because this isn’t really about his young life. We moved to my sister’s house and then into an apartment in her area. Diana loved her brother when he was a little baby. I went to work which was quite a shock for her, I was working 40 hours a week until My David was 11 months and we moved back to MI.

Shorthly after moving back to MI I fell into a serious relationship or I should probably say was pushed into. I wasn’t ready for a real relationship, but the kids and my mom loved him. I did too it just took me a little longer we were already living together before I said “I love you”. My kids started calling him daddy or Dada in David’s case. We didn’t really have enough to build a relationship on and split up after 6 months of living together my kids were crushed. They went from being his kids to just some kids of his ex it was devastating. I did think we would get back together on better ground once, that is how I ended up with my youngest. He doesn’t see him or acknowledge him as his son. So now my little girl has grown thus far with no real daddy and I worry how this will affect her in the future.

For right now she knows that there is somebody out there who is her father and she doesn’t want to see or speak to him. She does show interest in his family and her sister from him. She has talked to her sister and seen pictures.

She’s turning nine and it scares me that she is so grown. It also makes me feel my age it has hit me this year. It makes me feel even more that I need to hold onto these days while she’s young and still wants to be around her mom. It seems I’ve missed to much already being in my own world and being so wrapped up with her brothers. I didn’t get the girl I thought I wanted what I got was better.

Cable For Christmas

I was watching my son learn Mandarin from a cartoon and started thinking about all my kids have learned from these shows. When I was a kid Mandarin was just a type of orange, I also thought Chinese people spoke Chinese and Mexicans spoke Mexican.

It started early my kids learned words in English, French, Spanish, Mandarin and even American Sign language. Even I learned more from these shows than I learned in middle and high school Spanish class. They learned colors, my son even named he red puppy Rojo, which is red in Spanish. They also learned how to group things by color. They learned shapes, I think I only knew the basic ones going into Kindergarten, I still have to think hard about which is the hexagon. From there they began to identify numbers and letters. Then my little ones even figured out how to put the shapes, letters and numbers into patterns. It doesn’t even stop with general learning, the characters have problems where they have to make friends, make up with friends and even talk to adults they don’t know. Not to mention the problem solving skills they learn. I wish I could explain how important that is for an Autistic child. My kids also have interest that I wouldn’t even know where to start teaching them about it. My boys like cars, trains and dinosaurs. My extent of knowledge is on short supply there. I think I knew 6 types of dinosaurs before. My daughter likes to learn about wild animals and foreign lands. All that I know about those things are from books I read as a child and television shows that I currently watch.

So maybe cable should be part of my educational budget what do you think. The kids have enough books, they are falling off the shelves. Their toy boxes are over flowing so maybe for Christmas Santa could help with the cable bill.


I’ve decided to write up some things that I’m thankful for all the time especially for Thanksgiving.

1.My family specifically my mom (Nana), for taking more of an extra parent role and not spoiling my kids. My sister, Yellow Rose for all of the support financially and emotionally. Then there is my Gram for the guidance and the transporting of kids, grocery trips and loaning out of household goods (on those days when I can’t get out of the house.)

2.My daughter, Lil Pop Star for being so mature and responsible, most days. For accepting and helping with her brothers, when she wants to.

3.Coffee I must have it all day to keep moving and yes I have problems sleeping, but not from the coffee it’s from kids climbing into my bed.

4.Chocolate, here I must mention these are in no particular order, but like a lot of women I turn to chocolate for that good feeling.

5.For living in the USA, my kids go to a great school and we are provided for pretty well. We can’t do many of the thing we want to, but most of the things we need to do are done.

6.Facebook I get to talk to family and friends out of state and people I’ve never met that I can help or that can give me advice. Also, the games allow me to have fun pretty much free and not have to leave the house and my kids.

7.The dog, she’s a pit-boxer and the most frustrating loveable creature. She likes to lay on the furniture and when she wants to go out she wants out right away. She likes to snuggle and will lay next to me on the floor by my couch when I’m sick. She likes people food especially potato chips and will sit quietly and stare until somebody gives her whatever they are eating.

8.My son’s teachers and workers that have transformed him in the last few years from a kid that could barely speak and couldn’t handle eating a meal out of the house to a some what adjusted very verbal Autistic boy.

9. For my little rascal, he drives me crazy aggravating his sister and brother. He’s my heart and my hope he’s my baby boy.

10. For My David he’s Autistic, but it’s doesn’t define everything he is to me. He’s cuddly, smart, inventive, brave and he’s a piece of me. He is the piece I was missing for years when I was looking for some kind of love that I couldn’t even fathom. A love that doesn’t require “I love you” and hugs and which makes it all the sweeter when it comes.

I’ve wrote and cried so now I’m done thank you for reading this.

Little Daily Miracles

Things I’m thankful for today.
Today my David played get your nose with his little brother, it made me smile and cry a little. When he was 3 if you told him you had his nose he would cry because he took everything literally. He’s 6 now and my little boy is 3. He started the game and actually laughed then ran with his brother’s nose and they played together without fighting.
I never thought that having 2 boys would be such a blessing I love my girl, but if my 3rd child had been a girl I believe the family would be chaos. I wanted a girl but part of that was the Autism fear since boys are so much more likely to be on the spectrum than girls.
My daughter is a rubber band. Today we got rid of the old bunk beds, even though we haven’t gotten the new ones yet, a friend says she wants them. I told my daughter that we got rid of her bed because she doesn’t like to sleep in it any ways and she didn’t care she just agreed.
My sister sent us a box of snacks that are gluten free and the cookies were good enough that even my mom ate one.

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