Grown Up

Little Pop Star got me thinking this morning ” What does it really mean to be grown up?”

I’ve been over 18 for years, I’m proud to say that I turned 30 this year. I’ve been married, had kids separated, had another kid. I have my divers license, I pay my bills, for the most part, and the biggest part I ‘m raising 3 kids.

However I don’t always feel grown. Until recently my mom was living with me we have lived apart, but I really miss her. I miss my dad more because at least I can call her and see her. My dad represented security for me and I miss that more everyday knowing that if I needed something or even just a shoulder to cry on he was there. Sometimes I dream of him and it breaks my heart to wake up. Even though I act like the responsible adult some days I wish I could just walk away or just lay down and fade away. But I’m the mom so until they are all grown, if that ever happens, I’m their only security.

All of those things that were my dreams are waiting with littler dreams filling in now.

Taking Lil Pop Star somewhere special for her birthday replaces my beach vacation that I wish I could take.  The nice car will wait, having my own van and paying for my insurance in my dream fulfilled for now.

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