Birthday

It’s coming, my baby girl is turning nine in a few days.

My life has changed so much since I was pregnant with her. I was nineteen, newly married and blinded by love. We had just moved into our first place, I spent my days while my husband was working reading, watching t.v. and sitting around. I went to classes at night twice a week, my husband didn’t like it he wanted me home whenever he was home. Not only didn’t I work , but I didn’t even have plans to work. My dad would send me money every month, he bought me a car for a wedding present, he was always doing things like that. I was the princess of my family. I was very happy to be pregnant and more so when I found out I was having a girl. I cried so hard when the ultrasound tech told me she thought I was upset. I had a million plans for what I wanted for my little girl.

When Little Pop Star was born, on Thanksgiving Day, she became my world. My husband was jealous of the time I spent with her and my mom, but I had always gotten my way so I dismissed his feelings. He drove my car drunk my dad said that he would take the car back (it was still in his name and he was still paying for it) so then he couldn’t drive it. He lost his job and after a few weeks my dad said he wouldn’t pay the bills anymore unless my husband got a job or moved out. LPS was 3 months old when he moved out of state to live with his dad.

We talked on the phone all of the time the plan was supposed to be for me to move out of state to where he was but it never happened. Meanwhile my dad was diagnosed with cancer and me my mom and Little Pop Star went to his house for a month. When I thought he was getting better we left. LPS had just turned a year old and we went to my husband’s family’s house for a month. He wanted me to stay, but I didn’t fit in there and he still wasn’t going to be able to move us into our own place so I came back home. A few months later I found out my dad wasn’t going to get better. We went to see him again and I couldn’t look at him without crying, he was such a strong man and he was wasting away.

After he passed away something broke inside me and my mom. She moved in with me and my husband came back to live with us. I got pregnant with My David right away. He kept bouncing from job to job and we were getting evicted. Me and him got in a big argument where I was so upset I was scared that David would be hurt. I was 7 months pregnant and had no where to live, me , my mom and LPS moved in with a friend of mine. My husband wasn’t there when My David was born. I ended the relationship then.

I won’t get into all the David stuff right now because this isn’t really about his young life. We moved to my sister’s house and then into an apartment in her area. Diana loved her brother when he was a little baby. I went to work which was quite a shock for her, I was working 40 hours a week until My David was 11 months and we moved back to MI.

Shorthly after moving back to MI I fell into a serious relationship or I should probably say was pushed into. I wasn’t ready for a real relationship, but the kids and my mom loved him. I did too it just took me a little longer we were already living together before I said “I love you”. My kids started calling him daddy or Dada in David’s case. We didn’t really have enough to build a relationship on and split up after 6 months of living together my kids were crushed. They went from being his kids to just some kids of his ex it was devastating. I did think we would get back together on better ground once, that is how I ended up with my youngest. He doesn’t see him or acknowledge him as his son. So now my little girl has grown thus far with no real daddy and I worry how this will affect her in the future.

For right now she knows that there is somebody out there who is her father and she doesn’t want to see or speak to him. She does show interest in his family and her sister from him. She has talked to her sister and seen pictures.

She’s turning nine and it scares me that she is so grown. It also makes me feel my age it has hit me this year. It makes me feel even more that I need to hold onto these days while she’s young and still wants to be around her mom. It seems I’ve missed to much already being in my own world and being so wrapped up with her brothers. I didn’t get the girl I thought I wanted what I got was better.

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